Never are we as citizens more stripped of our rights than when we are at the mercy of a youth travel sporting event. Within a warehouse, filled with wall-to-wall volleyball courts, balls flying like Civil War artillery, and clocks unsurprisingly absent, our duty to rise up and LIVE OUR LIVES is forgotten.
But fight back we must, parents! Our liberty and the ideals upon which our great country were founded depend on it. Below are a few battle maps to keep things interesting in spite of another long weekend, lost forever, in a random American town
1. No Talent Necessary
Break out the hobby horse. If ever a sporting event deserved a bizarre yet earnest halftime show, it’s at a youth tournament. A boombox and bounce in your step as you make your way to the middle of the court, unannounced, are all that’s needed to get the crowd going. Or possibly whispering to each other, “Is this a joke?”
Either way, the memory made for your family by a seemingly spontaneous performance of your Special Skill, while hip hop music blasts, in front of your child’s team… well. On your deathbed, it’ll be among your top three best-ever.
2. Bip to Bed
During the awkward hour or two between games, let others know you’ll be going to your car for a short nap. In the parking lot, try the handles of nice cars until you find one that’s unlocked. Get in, recline, and dream of home sweet home.
3. “No Soap, No Hope!”
There’s money to be made by anyone willing to act. Even 15 minutes pretending to be the hired bathroom attendant could score you enough tips to cover dinner at Chick-Fil-A. You can think of catch-phrases to throw out as you go about your business. “Don’t pout, side out!”
Hand a paper towel to someone shaking their hands dry. Rummage in your purse for tampons and chewing gum to give away. Profusely thank those who spare their change to your outstretched hand; loudly bless those who don’t. If your daughter walks in, drop the act FAST.
And What of It?
Will we be sent home? Ridiculed? Tarred and feathered for bringing variety and silliness into the seriousness of sports? For standing up for all that’s good and holy? We will not. Tournament organizers depend on all of us lemmings to pay their bills and indoctrinate the next generation to drive 2-3 hours in each direction, for some overly organized recreation.
Unless you pull a fire alarm. That’ll get you banned.
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