Humor Column is a fun weekly newsletter.
Thanks for reading! This is Sunday Funnies, Vol. 9.
The Ultimate Fitness Modification
My first real visit to the YMCA was a triumphant occasion this week. There were all the other members, knowing exactly how to walk through the maze of people going from spin class to calf-raise machine to water fountain to sanitary spray bottle. And then there was me. I was determined to come back with a bang.
I had it all. The sassy ponytail. The musty sneakers. The can-do attitude, in spite of being almost-late. I hurried into the gymnasium and introduced myself to the “Bump-n-Pump” class instructor Jen. “I’m new,” I said in a voice that sounded like I was winking. As if she couldn’t tell by general warm-sourdough aura.
“This is an intense class… cardio, squats… so feel free to modify,” Jen warned me. I assured her I’d modify my ass off. I looked around at the rest of the folks in the class. I was the youngest by at least six months. None of them appeared to be pre-diabetic, but still… how hard could it be?
Rhythmic music, curated from the public domain, started immediately. When others pranced, I stepped. As classmates reached their arms overhead, I kept my hands firmly planted on my hips. I was doing an exemplary job of not overdoing it.
“Walk it out!” Jen called into her headset. I took a few steps forward and quickly observed she meant we should walk with our hands, on the floor, into a plank position. “Time for push-ups!” Jen yelled.
I was all set to modify when Jen looked straight at me, “You can modify!”
I dropped to my knees. Even still, I could only get my elbow to microbend. “Drop to your feet if you need to!” Did she say feet? In all my years, in all my various incarnations of fitness, feet push-ups had never been relayed as an option.
The seniors in my midst kept up with their knee modification. But I was new, and had no shame. Plus, I was in the way back of the class so no one else could see me. My toes hit the floor. Thaaat’s the ticket.
The motion was awkward. I believe I looked like more of a rocking horse than an athlete. I brought my chin lower to the floor so it felt more like a real push-up. I looked around at everyone else as my body mimicked a caterpillar motion.
They were pumpin’. I was bumpin’.
Moments later, Jen helped me out again. “Grab some water, everyone. If you’ve made it to the halfway point and you have to leave class, you can be very proud of yourself for the effort you’ve put in.” No one else was getting ready to leave. I’d never heard an invitation to leave in the middle of a workout, but I know how to take a hint.
I waved a thank you to Jen as she straightened her mic. “OK everyone, now we RUN!” That Jen! She was really looking out for me.
I’m looking forward to taking “Booty Blast-Off” tomorrow. Meet me in the way back.
HNY and All That
I wish you my definition of a pretty good New Year’s Eve: one filled with ample time to relax on your very own couch. With a beverage, and a bedtime, that leaves no trace of regret the next morning. You’ll beat the crowds at the Y!
As for 2024, I’m incredibly excited about some of the things I have in store to upgrade your Humor Column reading experience.
Did you notice the fancy “Subscribe” button, for example? T shoutout to Substack Soirée for the cool and free custom Button Bundle download.
More to come in January!
Top This in 2024
A fabulous comedian I discovered this year is Robyn Schall. What a doll! You’ll love this reel showing how she crushed so many goals in 2023 - some meaningful, some silly. If this doesn’t get you ready to start (figuratively) pumpin’, I don’t know what will. Let’s go BIG!
The Ultimate Fitness Modification