Welcome to Sunday Funnies, Vol. 11! If you haven’t signed up for your free, fun Sunday newsletter, I invite you to go on and do it. Even before putting on your long underwear.
Choose Your Snowmageddon Adventure
If you live anywhere east of the Rockies, you’ve had a week to make darn well sure this snowstorm is the future source of 85% of your kids’ best childhood memories. Or maybe I’m the only one thinking that way.
I want to believe I have what it takes to Hallmark-holiday the crap out of Monday’s forecast. At this point, any of the following snow days is entirely possible:
Scenario 1: 5-Star Winter Wonderland
I wake up, look out the window, and feel like a storybook character living inside a snow globe. Before I start cooking my daylong Let-it-Snow menu, I let the dog out. She frolics adorably on her way to pee by using a walkway I had the foresight to de-ice the day before.
The day is filled with children joyfully sledding, then helping themselves to the hot cocoa bar. Meanwhile, I spend a few hours reading books I got for Christmas. By sunset, jars of slow-cooker chili are brought over to the neighbors’ houses.
Our family plays board games without any rage on anyone’s part. We watch episode 3 of the Beckham Netflix documentary, then end the day by improvising a hilarious song called “Hygge So Good” and record it as the outgoing voicemail on our landline.
As the kid falls asleep after the most magical snow day ever, I stand for an inordinate amount of time staring at each child through the partly-open bedroom door.
Scenario 2: Snowy Solo Staycation
While I’m at Publix, snow starts violently falling, a state of emergency is called. I have no choice but to check into Homewood Suites next door and stay there alone until two days later, when the 6-feet of snow finally melts.
Scenario 3: Memories, Just Not Good Ones
While racing around town the night before the storm to find icicle-shaped sprinkles, I catch the flu. My night is filled with aches and full-body sweats. In the morning, I wait for someone to make snowflake pancakes from my planned menu and bring them to me in bed, but no.
The family eats Honey Nut Cheerios for every meal. We run out of milk by lunchtime and they eat the cereal dry. The kids decide it’s “too much work'' to put on snow pants, and they skip the neighborhood snowball fight. Instead they stay inside and watch a YouTuber play video games.
No one takes the dog out all day and she poops in the bathroom. The night is filled with everyone taking turns retching and changing bed sheets because I gave them the flu.
The anticipation is almost better than any possible outcome. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have mittens to match.
TJ Maxx Customer Service
How did it take me this long to post an Anjelah Johnson-Reyes clip? She moved from L.A. to Nashville and has a YouTube special called Say I Won’t about her fish-out-of-water experience. Below is a part of one of my favorite bits from that special.
See you next week!
Choose Your Snowmageddon Adventure